I moved in the Birmingham. And was surprised to see how many extreme Muslims are living in that city. I did not saw so many totally covered females and so much males dressed in Arab/Muslim way even in Sarajevo where 90% of the population is Muslim.
That in the way would not be so big deal if there is no this war consequences in me. So from the moment I moved here I started to get increasinly nervous. I took me almost a month to realise why. Every time I would go to the city and saw those extreme Muslims all those emotions I experienced during war started to come back. I’m literarily getting more and more scared. Of course, I’m keeping telling myself that neither of those people I see was not involved in the war in my country. But my subconscious does not wish to listen. I am afraid that I will have to go to counsellor. These emotions just keep increasing and I’m really close to my limit. I decided this weekend to stay at home and watch Stargate. I’m trying to relax and put this under control.
All of this is a bit disappointing. The war finished more then decade ago, and I still struggle with these war consequences. As time passes by I really, really believe that there is absolutely no excuse for war. It messes up the people, it messes up countries, and it messes up life.
And on top of everything there is this idiot who got arrested. When I heard about it, my first emotion was huge disappointment. I was hoping that this guy was forced to spend this last decade somewhere hiding in some basement or at least that he was dead. I hoped that he did not live those years. Somehow I thought that was fair, because he stole five years of my life, heck, from every person in the Bosnia.
I never wished war, but I had to live trough it. I still suffer consequence from it. And to learn that one of the bastards who were responsible for that was living normal life was really huge blow. The second reason for the disappointment is that his arrest actually mean all this war shit, all that satanizing of Serbs will start again. So when people ask me about my opinion I usually answer that I wish that he dies, so that trail does not take place. I wish to continue with my life. I do not wish to be reminded of the war.
So in the way both of these things now increase my nervousness and fear. I stopped to watch news; I do not wish to see anything connected with the war.
For the last decade I was working hard to make something of my life, to minimize the destruction war left on my life. And now, when I’m at the brink of the success (I actually started to get a job offer from respectable scientific institution across the world) I’m forced again to relive something I never caused, never was guilty of, never wished to live trough. Not only that I had to live trough the hells of war, but also later, when I faced the foreigners - the people who just heard the politically colored news about Bosnian war – I had to face judgement and accusation, just because of my ethnicity.
So I grow tired of explaining what I believe that is real cause of the war in Bosnia. The answer is actually very, very simple. But forgotten and buried below all those nationalistic and religion crap. The true was that in former SFRJ economical situation declined from late 70th of last century. Approximately at that time economy in country stopped progress and communist ‘economical planning’ caused that situation slowly became worse. In the years before war unemployment was so high that some bands made pop songs of which topic was desperate search for any kind of job. But since economy did not grow for decades before that there were simply no jobs. And of course, it is always simpler to put blame to those ‘others’. That is unfortunately in human nature. And that opened a road for all those blood-sucking politicians to increase ethnicity and religion tensions and ultimately start the war.
So that’s why I believe war started.
And now I have to face it again. I really have no idea how I will survive if I have to be here in Birmingham when that trial starts. I’m really worried, because I have no idea how to control my fear – caused with those war memories and experiences – if that fear is fuelled with all those war reminiscences. At the moment, when I’m walking on the Birmingham streets, I’m trying to keep my eyes on the pavement in front of me and I’m walking fast. That way I’m keeping probabilities that I will be reminded of war on the minimum.
I’m just afraid that’s loosing battle.