29 June 2009

My fears

Recently someone asked me what is my greatest fear. Again, one of the tough questions. Not because I do not know, but because I was changed by the war experience.
I answered that my greatest fear is getting caught in the middle of another war.
The true is that I would do anything I can to avoid that.

But to go back to the change caused by war.
When war was over in my country I was not aware of the emotional warping I had. After all, all the residents in my country were warped in the same way, so I was not different from the majority in any way. Then I got the scholarship for the graduate studies abroad. And there, I realised how my emotional reactions are strange. And in the way they still are strange.
Oh, I know how I’m suppose to react on the certain stimulus’s, mostly because I saw how people do react, but that emotional warping does break trough from time to time when I’m too tired or stressed.
I also know that I have that posttraumatic disorder. That “episode” in Birmingham confirmed it. Right now my symptoms are subdued, so I do not feel urge to do anything about it.
Just this question about my fears made me think about all of it. I should do something about it.

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